Caught between two ways of being

Recently my thoughts have turned to feeling sandwiched between two ways of being. One my own culture and one the American culture. I have both features in me and can fully understand both ways of being and live it every single day of my life. In a way I live in internal conflict mostly all the time and its confusing to me. The need to assert myself and the need to let go can sometimes just never find a healthy balance. It is a difficult way of being and requires a lot of sensitivity to others needs. I have not dealt with it the best way that I can and often feel frustrated for being in this situation. It is a temporary one but yet an intense one. I have two people I am dealing with - #1 and #2. #1 is overbearing and over intrusive and as a result #2 gets mad when that happens and tends to run for hills gasping for breath and space which leaves me feeling deflated because that is not what #1 is trying to cause. I have so much of my own culture in me and yet I have the American in me which is in a perpetual state of confusion when I am in the midst of two types of people. I am in a place in life that requires me to be sensitive to the needs of others around me in a compassionate way, however I tend to get upset with the person #1 who is by nature overbearing. I also get frustrated with #2 for running for hills at the slightest sign of the other one being overbearing. They are also just being who they are. Me getting frustrated with both just does not make any sense. There is nothing much I can do. Frustration and negativity do not help this situation and I am learning that being angry at people for being who they are gets me no where. Control gets me no where. Anger certainly does not. But I just get sad and I can't help it because I don t want #2 to run to the hills because #1 is not really a threat to their independence and I see that but they don t see that and neither do they have the ability to trust what I see.

So I just sometimes don't really know how to handle others who are trying to relate to one another and are simply just being who they are. I worry that #1 will step on #2s toes and #2 will run and get angry at me. I just want to run and hide somewhere when that happens. But that is not the answer. The answer is to find my personal harmony in the situation - I doubt there is any such thing in the real world when one feels caught between two ways of being.

I really cant control who people are and what they chose to do with themselves and the world around them and with the people in their lives. All I can do is just sit back and not get involved. However, the tricky thing in this situation is that the overbearing person is my mother who I love to death and she truly is my best friend but sometimes I feel she meets her own needs of feeling wanted and comforted by not realizing that she is being overbearing. I am just not really sure what to do right now.

A new day

Ah I was able to resolve the feelings of intense hopelessness that I had yesterday. I used gratitude and love to restore a sense of well-being. I was blessed with a helping hand yesterday.

The faster I accept my life circumstances and become more aware of myself,  the more authentic my relationships will be. There is much happiness to be found in authenticity. I am still peeling the layers of inauthentic ways of being that are mostly driven by fears. Fear and Anxiety clouds your worldview, it clouds mine, and when I cannot control it I see the negativity it brings me almost immediately.

Consciously changing the way I want to be - and wanting to better myself has made me more mindful of what comes out of my mouth. Speech, disposition, and temperament can be changed if one applies their mind to it. I am surprised how much crap comes out of my mouth, and how flippantly I say things to people. My flippant speech was another Taking time to observe oneself and apply restraint is truly required in order to be happy.

Empty today

One reaches points in life where looking back can feel a bit scary - a feeling that one has come way to far to turn back and gathering the strength to moving forward feels almost impossible. But it is absolutely necessary, and I just cannot seem to gather the courage or the strength. I feel weak and tired and completely drained from this profession. Besides there is an acute sense that moments pass me by and I have cling onto them very dearly and very desperately because now when I look back I realize that one day this will all come to an end, so I need to make the best of it right now. Not doing so makes me feel very guilty.

I often think that - "wow how did I make it this far in this job that I truly hated for so many years?" - I kind of felt like I was on auto-pilot. Feeling like your life is being driven by a system and not yourself is a very dis empowering experience. However, I cannot gather the strength to steer anymore. As of today I have no motivation or strength on the inside. My job was something that I needed to do without thinking as I needed to work for my permanent residency. If I had to earn the right to live here permanently I had no choice but to take the job that was in front of me and do it, and do it well consistently. However, it came at a huge psychological price for me. I feel my self-esteem was eroded and I am having a hard time getting hold of it again. Realizing that I am working for a cause that I did not fully identify with and a field that I have no passion for has been a hard realization for me to make. But why did I just realize this ? why now ? this late after so long ? Feeling professional burnt out can cause all sorts of unpleasant feelings. Confusion, depression, worthlessness, insecurity about what else I can possibly do and a host of other things. For the first time in my life I am seriously contemplating quitting this career all together and picking up something completely new. But what ? I don't have a large professional network here. I really know only a handful of people, not sure what I can do or where I will end up professionally.

Well I have another 3 months before I can officially leave this job and move on. Move on I will for sure but where to only God knows and only God knows how ?

Maybe it is time to surrender again and pray and let things be what they are - Maybe I just need to do my best and look for other jobs in realistic places and keep it moving. What else is there to really do.

Being what one truly is

The past few months have been ones of tremendous growth, introspection and restoration. I had to take myself apart, fall apart and then put myself back together. The Artist's Way (a book by Julia Cameron) was the tool I chose to use as a way to meet myself again. I also realized two parallel and conflicting emotions rise in me - Anger and Compassion. It was natural for some degree of anger to rise within in the process of growth. However,  It is very important to be compassionate with yourself when this process of growth is happening. Because anger about the past can only dissipate when it meets the cool waters of compassion. I often think of the role my family (as in my immediate one) played in this inner turmoil. It is a double edged sword. It reminds me of my Group Therapy class in grad school a few years ago. "The group is a microcosm of the world". The family is a microcosm of my world outside. The way I am with them is the way I am with the world. I was destined to spend a few months being angry at my family for two reasons: They were the biggest source of my limited way of being, while also being my single most powerful source of internal strength, and protection.  Dealing with this paradoxical reality was where I think I spent the last few months. The anger came from not knowing how to deal with this grey area. So that was another barrier to my creativity that I feel I was able to meet. Sort of in angry confused limbo of not knowing how to react.

Emerging

I am only just beginning to realize that I had been living as though the world was big huge projection of myself. I saw people and myself too through such a limited lens. The process of self discovery was also a limited one until recently. It is hard to explain. Expression in creativity has led me realize the overbearing presence of an inner critic. An inner judge of some sort. There is a dearth of compassion that I sense within myself, for myself  at times that took me by surprise recently. The lack of patience, and calm for myself. Shame, guilt, judgement and anger towards my own self was apparent as I continued the process of creativity. I judged every thing I did and it was so difficult for me to be happy with my art work just showing me how difficult it was for me to accept myself the way I was. I mean how hard or complicated can it really be to just say "ok I did that, its allright" but instead the inner critic said "damn, you will never get anywhere if you create that junk work". That kind of harshness got me thinking about how I really treat the world. I am not so sure if I am that compassionate. It has really got me thinking about my self sabotaging behaviors such as smoking and other emotional sabotage. It makes for an interesting self-discovery.

Recently the subject matter of the very process of self discovery for me has changed to the quest of really trying to see things the way they are and that includes myself. I strongly believe that there is much happiness to be found in true authentic experience.

So what is this authenticity that I am seeking ? For one, to keep it simple my hope is to just truly listen. Listen and be present in a new way. Not in a way to impose my ideas and opinions onto others. It is mindful listening that I am hoping to accomplish. I hope to just listen to my family, my partner, my clients, and my co-workers. Just listen.

To truly see things the way they are and not what we want them to be is a hard task for me I will admit. I think when we judge or have the urge to judge we cloud our senses with fear. Then we wear fear to protect us from what we imagine it is that we need to be fearful of. Sounds crazy I know. But I think that is what happens. I think the act of judging something is a way to protect one's ego and subsequently feed into it. Judging people, trying to control events and things around me, kept me closed up and limited. This is yet another block to creativity. Judgement and control. I strongly believe that judgement and control come from deep seated fear and insecurity of losing everything that one has including oneself.

I guess we have to lose ourselves in ourselves to truly emerge.

The importance of gatekeeping

Truly, I am blessed and thats a fact. Blessed that I have finally realized we are truly our thoughts and our thoughts become our words and that becomes our character. The good news is that - that can change forever. I guess that is what we call growth. I sometimes read my old posts am surprised to find that the feeling that arisis is that of shedding an old skin. I am happy that is the feeling that comes by - besides a bit of shame when I think about how much precious time I had wasted thinking that way. Boy truly I was a negative thinker. I will admit I never really understood or comprehended what everyone was really referring to when they talked about "positive thinking" and why it is so important. I thought it was a hog wash and some way of escaping reality. I thought that if I was not worried about something or the other I was being uncaring. Not taking anxiety for me meant not caring. I became an anxious wreck and the way people percieved me caused me shame over time about why I was not able to think differently. I guess I just did not know there was any other way to think. Needless to say these ways of thinking are handed down in the family. Obviously thats faulty thinking. Well that way of thinking took me into a very dark space within and I near well destroyed one of the best things in my life due to anxiety, panic and lack of trust - not of the other person, but not being able to even trust myself as I had somehow managed to scare myself of almost everything and everyone.

Focussing on negative spaces within and listening to the inner critic is such an exhausting experience. I truly did not realize it until recently that how much of myself was consumed by a negative way of thinking. I think that was my true block. Negative thinking. It arose from fear and anxiety and not feeling safe enough to even go within I think. That is my true block. The journey within has been a very difficult one and has taken me a very very long time and much self torture.

 I was able to identify core belief systems - and had an "aha" moment. Thoughts need to be changed, controlled and nurtured. When thinking becomes negative feelings become negative and all one does is sputter out negativity and anger. It is so important to learn from others. I learn that from my kind partner every single day. Allowing space for things to take their time and be what they are meant to be.

Having no concept of what true space and boundaries are - I struggled with understanding what it truly means to just create space within and beyond -when that happens the way we see things changes. Hopefully for ever. Self-awareness and self perception are needed for that to happen
I think also the willingness to just let ego melt. The ego is just something that creates a mirage and keeps one from being authentic. It is my hope that I can have more authentic relationships in my life. I think being committed to the process of creativity will help that happen and happen in a fun and happy way.

I truly am blessed to have what I have in my life. Love, family and friendships.
A commitment to honor those in authentic ways and give people the space to just be whatever they want to be will surely make my life a better place to be in.

Also I want to add that it is absolutely essential that one catches old habits, and relapsing back into old ways of thinking and being. Relapsing into self-defeating patterns and running around oblivious to what one is truly feeling and what is happening inside the psyche and the mind has to be caught and recognized and stopped. I guess it is not just easy to actually command a thought to stop, but it surely is easier (atleast for me to express me) to acknowledge it non judgementally and give it a door to leave. I am currently working on how to tame my anxiety in healthier ways than to depend on other people to relieve it for me. I for once want to start trusting myself again and fall back on me to care for the quality of my thoughts, sort of like a gate keeper.

Finally something emerges

Sometimes the most negative emotional state - such as self sabotage can actually lead to a desperate search within and look for a release.I finally did something creative. I put paint on paper. I am proud of myself as I finally was able to create something. I gave myself an outlet and just let it happen. I was having a moment of extreme stuckness and feeling trapped last month. Sort of mostly within my own mind - self created totally. I was missing my family, my partner who was travelling, feeling lost, feeling generally disconnected, restless and just terrible. For some reason I felt hopeless that I will truly be able to change anything within myself. I saw myself as a product of my unhealthy family patterns and not having a way out. It is hard to explain that feeling of stuckness. In that moment in time I knew it was just me and just a raw emotion that was coming through and I needed to make way for it. I knew I was opening the doors to a more authentic experience of the Self and there was a speck of happiness that emerged. For the first time in that moment I did not feel I needed anything but the paint and the paper. I have gone back to that experience time and again in the last 1 month and have thoroughly enjoyed it in moments when my emotion has gotten the better of me.

So I just took out the paints and the paper and started painting whatever I wanted to. Just splashing paint across paper. It was such a great release for me. I painted and painted - blacks, browns, greens, smeared on paper. I painted layer after layer until the paper was thick and soaked, and could see that first piece was nothing but just raw feeling. I threw in some yellow and then stopped. At that moment in time I just let it all out on paper. I did not understand why I was feeling the way I was. I did not even know if it was true or justified. I just painted. I then went on to paint 3 more and the colors lightened up a bit and I liked the feeling.

So for the next few days, as I struggled with my own emotional states - ups and downs I found immense joy in just painting as a release. I started reading about techniques and that is where I am. Just playing and experimenting.

Currently, I am struggling to just let things go. It is hard but am hoping that space, time, compassion and respect will get me to the place of ego free letting go of people and the need to control them or where you go with them. Maybe it is really the time to seriously go within and look into the very issue of what is causing me so much unhappiness which kind of seems chronic. Obviously no one else is to blame as no one is responsible for what we feel about ourselves or anything for that matter. I recognize that clearly, much work is left to do in finding authenticity inside and in my relationships in general. Oh well...I am where I am and I accept it.

 Today I requested my friend Mary to have a personal art class for me and guide me in the process. I think I have everything I need.

 Looking forward.