One reaches points in life where looking back can feel a bit scary - a feeling that one has come way to far to turn back and gathering the strength to moving forward feels almost impossible. But it is absolutely necessary, and I just cannot seem to gather the courage or the strength. I feel weak and tired and completely drained from this profession. Besides there is an acute sense that moments pass me by and I have cling onto them very dearly and very desperately because now when I look back I realize that one day this will all come to an end, so I need to make the best of it right now. Not doing so makes me feel very guilty.
I often think that - "wow how did I make it this far in this job that I truly hated for so many years?" - I kind of felt like I was on auto-pilot. Feeling like your life is being driven by a system and not yourself is a very dis empowering experience. However, I cannot gather the strength to steer anymore. As of today I have no motivation or strength on the inside. My job was something that I needed to do without thinking as I needed to work for my permanent residency. If I had to earn the right to live here permanently I had no choice but to take the job that was in front of me and do it, and do it well consistently. However, it came at a huge psychological price for me. I feel my self-esteem was eroded and I am having a hard time getting hold of it again. Realizing that I am working for a cause that I did not fully identify with and a field that I have no passion for has been a hard realization for me to make. But why did I just realize this ? why now ? this late after so long ? Feeling professional burnt out can cause all sorts of unpleasant feelings. Confusion, depression, worthlessness, insecurity about what else I can possibly do and a host of other things. For the first time in my life I am seriously contemplating quitting this career all together and picking up something completely new. But what ? I don't have a large professional network here. I really know only a handful of people, not sure what I can do or where I will end up professionally.
Well I have another 3 months before I can officially leave this job and move on. Move on I will for sure but where to only God knows and only God knows how ?
Maybe it is time to surrender again and pray and let things be what they are - Maybe I just need to do my best and look for other jobs in realistic places and keep it moving. What else is there to really do.
I often think that - "wow how did I make it this far in this job that I truly hated for so many years?" - I kind of felt like I was on auto-pilot. Feeling like your life is being driven by a system and not yourself is a very dis empowering experience. However, I cannot gather the strength to steer anymore. As of today I have no motivation or strength on the inside. My job was something that I needed to do without thinking as I needed to work for my permanent residency. If I had to earn the right to live here permanently I had no choice but to take the job that was in front of me and do it, and do it well consistently. However, it came at a huge psychological price for me. I feel my self-esteem was eroded and I am having a hard time getting hold of it again. Realizing that I am working for a cause that I did not fully identify with and a field that I have no passion for has been a hard realization for me to make. But why did I just realize this ? why now ? this late after so long ? Feeling professional burnt out can cause all sorts of unpleasant feelings. Confusion, depression, worthlessness, insecurity about what else I can possibly do and a host of other things. For the first time in my life I am seriously contemplating quitting this career all together and picking up something completely new. But what ? I don't have a large professional network here. I really know only a handful of people, not sure what I can do or where I will end up professionally.
Well I have another 3 months before I can officially leave this job and move on. Move on I will for sure but where to only God knows and only God knows how ?
Maybe it is time to surrender again and pray and let things be what they are - Maybe I just need to do my best and look for other jobs in realistic places and keep it moving. What else is there to really do.
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