Sometimes the most negative emotional state - such as self sabotage can actually lead to a desperate search within and look for a release.I finally did something creative. I put paint on paper. I am proud of myself as I finally was able to create something. I gave myself an outlet and just let it happen. I was having a moment of extreme stuckness and feeling trapped last month. Sort of mostly within my own mind - self created totally. I was missing my family, my partner who was travelling, feeling lost, feeling generally disconnected, restless and just terrible. For some reason I felt hopeless that I will truly be able to change anything within myself. I saw myself as a product of my unhealthy family patterns and not having a way out. It is hard to explain that feeling of stuckness. In that moment in time I knew it was just me and just a raw emotion that was coming through and I needed to make way for it. I knew I was opening the doors to a more authentic experience of the Self and there was a speck of happiness that emerged. For the first time in that moment I did not feel I needed anything but the paint and the paper. I have gone back to that experience time and again in the last 1 month and have thoroughly enjoyed it in moments when my emotion has gotten the better of me.
So I just took out the paints and the paper and started painting whatever I wanted to. Just splashing paint across paper. It was such a great release for me. I painted and painted - blacks, browns, greens, smeared on paper. I painted layer after layer until the paper was thick and soaked, and could see that first piece was nothing but just raw feeling. I threw in some yellow and then stopped. At that moment in time I just let it all out on paper. I did not understand why I was feeling the way I was. I did not even know if it was true or justified. I just painted. I then went on to paint 3 more and the colors lightened up a bit and I liked the feeling.
So for the next few days, as I struggled with my own emotional states - ups and downs I found immense joy in just painting as a release. I started reading about techniques and that is where I am. Just playing and experimenting.
Currently, I am struggling to just let things go. It is hard but am hoping that space, time, compassion and respect will get me to the place of ego free letting go of people and the need to control them or where you go with them. Maybe it is really the time to seriously go within and look into the very issue of what is causing me so much unhappiness which kind of seems chronic. Obviously no one else is to blame as no one is responsible for what we feel about ourselves or anything for that matter. I recognize that clearly, much work is left to do in finding authenticity inside and in my relationships in general. Oh well...I am where I am and I accept it.
Today I requested my friend Mary to have a personal art class for me and guide me in the process. I think I have everything I need.
Looking forward.
So I just took out the paints and the paper and started painting whatever I wanted to. Just splashing paint across paper. It was such a great release for me. I painted and painted - blacks, browns, greens, smeared on paper. I painted layer after layer until the paper was thick and soaked, and could see that first piece was nothing but just raw feeling. I threw in some yellow and then stopped. At that moment in time I just let it all out on paper. I did not understand why I was feeling the way I was. I did not even know if it was true or justified. I just painted. I then went on to paint 3 more and the colors lightened up a bit and I liked the feeling.
So for the next few days, as I struggled with my own emotional states - ups and downs I found immense joy in just painting as a release. I started reading about techniques and that is where I am. Just playing and experimenting.
Currently, I am struggling to just let things go. It is hard but am hoping that space, time, compassion and respect will get me to the place of ego free letting go of people and the need to control them or where you go with them. Maybe it is really the time to seriously go within and look into the very issue of what is causing me so much unhappiness which kind of seems chronic. Obviously no one else is to blame as no one is responsible for what we feel about ourselves or anything for that matter. I recognize that clearly, much work is left to do in finding authenticity inside and in my relationships in general. Oh well...I am where I am and I accept it.
Today I requested my friend Mary to have a personal art class for me and guide me in the process. I think I have everything I need.
Looking forward.
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