Friday, May 4, 2012

The importance of gatekeeping

Truly, I am blessed and thats a fact. Blessed that I have finally realized we are truly our thoughts and our thoughts become our words and that becomes our character. The good news is that - that can change forever. I guess that is what we call growth. I sometimes read my old posts am surprised to find that the feeling that arisis is that of shedding an old skin. I am happy that is the feeling that comes by - besides a bit of shame when I think about how much precious time I had wasted thinking that way. Boy truly I was a negative thinker. I will admit I never really understood or comprehended what everyone was really referring to when they talked about "positive thinking" and why it is so important. I thought it was a hog wash and some way of escaping reality. I thought that if I was not worried about something or the other I was being uncaring. Not taking anxiety for me meant not caring. I became an anxious wreck and the way people percieved me caused me shame over time about why I was not able to think differently. I guess I just did not know there was any other way to think. Needless to say these ways of thinking are handed down in the family. Obviously thats faulty thinking. Well that way of thinking took me into a very dark space within and I near well destroyed one of the best things in my life due to anxiety, panic and lack of trust - not of the other person, but not being able to even trust myself as I had somehow managed to scare myself of almost everything and everyone.

Focussing on negative spaces within and listening to the inner critic is such an exhausting experience. I truly did not realize it until recently that how much of myself was consumed by a negative way of thinking. I think that was my true block. Negative thinking. It arose from fear and anxiety and not feeling safe enough to even go within I think. That is my true block. The journey within has been a very difficult one and has taken me a very very long time and much self torture.

 I was able to identify core belief systems - and had an "aha" moment. Thoughts need to be changed, controlled and nurtured. When thinking becomes negative feelings become negative and all one does is sputter out negativity and anger. It is so important to learn from others. I learn that from my kind partner every single day. Allowing space for things to take their time and be what they are meant to be.

Having no concept of what true space and boundaries are - I struggled with understanding what it truly means to just create space within and beyond -when that happens the way we see things changes. Hopefully for ever. Self-awareness and self perception are needed for that to happen
I think also the willingness to just let ego melt. The ego is just something that creates a mirage and keeps one from being authentic. It is my hope that I can have more authentic relationships in my life. I think being committed to the process of creativity will help that happen and happen in a fun and happy way.

I truly am blessed to have what I have in my life. Love, family and friendships.
A commitment to honor those in authentic ways and give people the space to just be whatever they want to be will surely make my life a better place to be in.

Also I want to add that it is absolutely essential that one catches old habits, and relapsing back into old ways of thinking and being. Relapsing into self-defeating patterns and running around oblivious to what one is truly feeling and what is happening inside the psyche and the mind has to be caught and recognized and stopped. I guess it is not just easy to actually command a thought to stop, but it surely is easier (atleast for me to express me) to acknowledge it non judgementally and give it a door to leave. I am currently working on how to tame my anxiety in healthier ways than to depend on other people to relieve it for me. I for once want to start trusting myself again and fall back on me to care for the quality of my thoughts, sort of like a gate keeper.


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