Emerging

I am only just beginning to realize that I had been living as though the world was big huge projection of myself. I saw people and myself too through such a limited lens. The process of self discovery was also a limited one until recently. It is hard to explain. Expression in creativity has led me realize the overbearing presence of an inner critic. An inner judge of some sort. There is a dearth of compassion that I sense within myself, for myself  at times that took me by surprise recently. The lack of patience, and calm for myself. Shame, guilt, judgement and anger towards my own self was apparent as I continued the process of creativity. I judged every thing I did and it was so difficult for me to be happy with my art work just showing me how difficult it was for me to accept myself the way I was. I mean how hard or complicated can it really be to just say "ok I did that, its allright" but instead the inner critic said "damn, you will never get anywhere if you create that junk work". That kind of harshness got me thinking about how I really treat the world. I am not so sure if I am that compassionate. It has really got me thinking about my self sabotaging behaviors such as smoking and other emotional sabotage. It makes for an interesting self-discovery.

Recently the subject matter of the very process of self discovery for me has changed to the quest of really trying to see things the way they are and that includes myself. I strongly believe that there is much happiness to be found in true authentic experience.

So what is this authenticity that I am seeking ? For one, to keep it simple my hope is to just truly listen. Listen and be present in a new way. Not in a way to impose my ideas and opinions onto others. It is mindful listening that I am hoping to accomplish. I hope to just listen to my family, my partner, my clients, and my co-workers. Just listen.

To truly see things the way they are and not what we want them to be is a hard task for me I will admit. I think when we judge or have the urge to judge we cloud our senses with fear. Then we wear fear to protect us from what we imagine it is that we need to be fearful of. Sounds crazy I know. But I think that is what happens. I think the act of judging something is a way to protect one's ego and subsequently feed into it. Judging people, trying to control events and things around me, kept me closed up and limited. This is yet another block to creativity. Judgement and control. I strongly believe that judgement and control come from deep seated fear and insecurity of losing everything that one has including oneself.

I guess we have to lose ourselves in ourselves to truly emerge.