Finally something uplifting ! So here is how yesterday went ..
Yesterday I was thinking about how my work environment and how my thinking has turned so negative. I blamed my circumstances and the lack of many things. Certain people at work trigger an immense sense of invalidation, anxiety, judgement and defensiveness in me. They bring out the worst in me or rather I bring out the worst in me when they are around me. The mutual dislike is apparent. They trigger a deep sense of displacement for me as well. It is like a constant wound on the sole of your foot that just wont heal and after a while of walking funny you just develop a funny walk ... something like that. Not sure if the analogy makes any sense. The truth is that I have to just accept that living here and socializing here is extraordinarily difficult for me to do. When I just accept my circumstances and let go of wanting to change them around or wanting out, I might learn to be happy again. So that was mostly the thought process of the day.
I got to thinking about what happened and how the negative self critical voice inside took over myself of well-being. I think it was the feeling of constantly being judged by my work people. Basically they are the only social group I really have and interact with on a daily basis. Ya, I know it is sad. I think a few really really push my buttons. When you start to feel that you have stopped finding meaning in your work, a sense of defeat sets in. What made it difficult for me is that I cannot get out of it as I am committed here for at least another 6-8 months, unless there is a miracle and God decides to have mercy and set me free from this bind that life has thrown at me. I work with a bunch of almost racist and very clannish people who truly just are not open or emphatic to an outsider, especially from another culture. There are cliques based on race which is truly the most unfortunate thing. Without sounding racist, I will say that sometimes certain races are consumed with feeling like they are victims, without realizing that they are indulging free and unchecked in reverse racism by making other people feel like they will always be different. Demarking social boundaries by the use of color is a very un-evolved way of living. I sometimes feel like saying "get over your own damn color and start seeing the world as it is, we are all human"
Well for now it is just clear that I am not considered a part of any of them. Over a period of time I started to isolate and stay to myself a lot. But truly I do not have friends here. I have maybe 1-2 who I see rarely. So I had started to feel bad that I truly just needed some social interaction and was unable to find any. Writing was not helping for that moment in time. I was just tired of my own company and just basically felt defeated and worn out. Yesterday was terrible. Just terrible.
Recently this feeling built and got intense and took me a dark place of self doubt. I doubted everything. Why I came here? What my life meant ? Was I meant to live in such social isolation all my life ? What is my true purpose ? etc etc I felt disconnected from everything and everyone. I was very "depressed" yesterday. I was not able to work anymore. Not another moment. I had reached my peak and needed to stop immediately or I would lose control. I was not able to listen to another client's story of grief and felt that this is not my calling anymore and I did not really feel as I was helping in any case. I wanted out. So I left work feeling overwhelmed and worried at how it got so bad that I was unable to get through the day. I said to myself - at this moment in time this is not where I want to be - I have control on this moment and I will spend it exactly the way I wanted to. So I took leave and left work for the rest of day. I was not able to function.
I got home around noon, and did not really know what to do with myself next. Well now that I was out of my office, what would I do the rest of the day ? Urgh another day by myself. Urgh .... such thoughts ! So very spontaneously I walked over to Mary's art studio and just sat with Mary for a few hours. We were not friends, maybe just acquaintances. She and I have been seeing each other in the neighborhood for 2 years or so. So I went in and there was another artist there. We talked and talked with ease and I heard her story and what she has done in her life and how extra-ordinary her story is. We connected. For that day God had blessed me with the right person at the right time. I explained to her how disconnected I was feeling on the inside and was unable to find any creative path to release the sadness and sense of angst (that only I was responsible for). I told her the sense of emptiness and nothingness that I was feeling. She heard me out and explained the following - "Well...it is like this. You are in the good graces of God that you have reached this point in your life. Most people never reach the transition point. You need to feel this and understand it and trust that you are not going crazy or losing control - you are in transition. You are getting to know who you are. You are simply like a person who is in a circus (of life), and you need to let go of the handle on the trapeze and trust that the other handle will come by for you to swing on to. It is ok to let go. Just trust that you will be taken care of. Take this time to sit with your discomfort and pain and don't take the easy way out by running from it" - Her words comforted me immensely. I felt someone had given me a message that it was ok and what I was going through was ok to feel. Then my friend Mary gave me this book called Transitions. She said to read it as it is very helpful. I had made a new friend that day. She told me about somethings I could do to help around in the studio that would be helpful to me. She said being around creative things would help me find that space within myself. She offered that I come and paint in her studio and use her space if I needed to and she said she is always there and I could stop by at anytime. She gave me an freeing exercise to do. Where I could just take a pencil and lightly just run the pencil over the paper and draw lines in whichever way I wanted to - kind of like a meditation with pen and paper. Then she suggested that I shade portions of it and see what comes out. She gave me a list of things to get from the art store and so I did. Just some basic inexpensive supplies. I bought the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Then I invited Mary over for dinner that night and she brought along her friend Bibbi who was absolutely delightful. Her parents were holocaust survivors. The stories of the evening were just heart warming and soulful in every way. We had a wonderful evening that raised all our spirits.
I thanked Mary from my soul.
Yesterday I was thinking about how my work environment and how my thinking has turned so negative. I blamed my circumstances and the lack of many things. Certain people at work trigger an immense sense of invalidation, anxiety, judgement and defensiveness in me. They bring out the worst in me or rather I bring out the worst in me when they are around me. The mutual dislike is apparent. They trigger a deep sense of displacement for me as well. It is like a constant wound on the sole of your foot that just wont heal and after a while of walking funny you just develop a funny walk ... something like that. Not sure if the analogy makes any sense. The truth is that I have to just accept that living here and socializing here is extraordinarily difficult for me to do. When I just accept my circumstances and let go of wanting to change them around or wanting out, I might learn to be happy again. So that was mostly the thought process of the day.
I got to thinking about what happened and how the negative self critical voice inside took over myself of well-being. I think it was the feeling of constantly being judged by my work people. Basically they are the only social group I really have and interact with on a daily basis. Ya, I know it is sad. I think a few really really push my buttons. When you start to feel that you have stopped finding meaning in your work, a sense of defeat sets in. What made it difficult for me is that I cannot get out of it as I am committed here for at least another 6-8 months, unless there is a miracle and God decides to have mercy and set me free from this bind that life has thrown at me. I work with a bunch of almost racist and very clannish people who truly just are not open or emphatic to an outsider, especially from another culture. There are cliques based on race which is truly the most unfortunate thing. Without sounding racist, I will say that sometimes certain races are consumed with feeling like they are victims, without realizing that they are indulging free and unchecked in reverse racism by making other people feel like they will always be different. Demarking social boundaries by the use of color is a very un-evolved way of living. I sometimes feel like saying "get over your own damn color and start seeing the world as it is, we are all human"
Well for now it is just clear that I am not considered a part of any of them. Over a period of time I started to isolate and stay to myself a lot. But truly I do not have friends here. I have maybe 1-2 who I see rarely. So I had started to feel bad that I truly just needed some social interaction and was unable to find any. Writing was not helping for that moment in time. I was just tired of my own company and just basically felt defeated and worn out. Yesterday was terrible. Just terrible.
Recently this feeling built and got intense and took me a dark place of self doubt. I doubted everything. Why I came here? What my life meant ? Was I meant to live in such social isolation all my life ? What is my true purpose ? etc etc I felt disconnected from everything and everyone. I was very "depressed" yesterday. I was not able to work anymore. Not another moment. I had reached my peak and needed to stop immediately or I would lose control. I was not able to listen to another client's story of grief and felt that this is not my calling anymore and I did not really feel as I was helping in any case. I wanted out. So I left work feeling overwhelmed and worried at how it got so bad that I was unable to get through the day. I said to myself - at this moment in time this is not where I want to be - I have control on this moment and I will spend it exactly the way I wanted to. So I took leave and left work for the rest of day. I was not able to function.
I got home around noon, and did not really know what to do with myself next. Well now that I was out of my office, what would I do the rest of the day ? Urgh another day by myself. Urgh .... such thoughts ! So very spontaneously I walked over to Mary's art studio and just sat with Mary for a few hours. We were not friends, maybe just acquaintances. She and I have been seeing each other in the neighborhood for 2 years or so. So I went in and there was another artist there. We talked and talked with ease and I heard her story and what she has done in her life and how extra-ordinary her story is. We connected. For that day God had blessed me with the right person at the right time. I explained to her how disconnected I was feeling on the inside and was unable to find any creative path to release the sadness and sense of angst (that only I was responsible for). I told her the sense of emptiness and nothingness that I was feeling. She heard me out and explained the following - "Well...it is like this. You are in the good graces of God that you have reached this point in your life. Most people never reach the transition point. You need to feel this and understand it and trust that you are not going crazy or losing control - you are in transition. You are getting to know who you are. You are simply like a person who is in a circus (of life), and you need to let go of the handle on the trapeze and trust that the other handle will come by for you to swing on to. It is ok to let go. Just trust that you will be taken care of. Take this time to sit with your discomfort and pain and don't take the easy way out by running from it" - Her words comforted me immensely. I felt someone had given me a message that it was ok and what I was going through was ok to feel. Then my friend Mary gave me this book called Transitions. She said to read it as it is very helpful. I had made a new friend that day. She told me about somethings I could do to help around in the studio that would be helpful to me. She said being around creative things would help me find that space within myself. She offered that I come and paint in her studio and use her space if I needed to and she said she is always there and I could stop by at anytime. She gave me an freeing exercise to do. Where I could just take a pencil and lightly just run the pencil over the paper and draw lines in whichever way I wanted to - kind of like a meditation with pen and paper. Then she suggested that I shade portions of it and see what comes out. She gave me a list of things to get from the art store and so I did. Just some basic inexpensive supplies. I bought the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Then I invited Mary over for dinner that night and she brought along her friend Bibbi who was absolutely delightful. Her parents were holocaust survivors. The stories of the evening were just heart warming and soulful in every way. We had a wonderful evening that raised all our spirits.
I thanked Mary from my soul.
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