This day ....
So I did meditate for about 10 mintues. I was ready to just sit. So I sat and just closed my eyes. I had the experience of stepping out, back and further. Recently, I had reached out to my long lost aunt for some strange reason and spoke with her about spirituality and feeling a shaky base - I just wanted to talk with someone about this aspect and needed some interaction. It had been a while since I had looked into it again. I became aware of a trapped energy pocket within me that seemed to losen up a bit. My aunt took the time to speak with a few people about my spiritual dilemmas and wrote back a long encouraging me to re-focus and take a fresh look at my own spiritual practices and challenge my blocks. She gave me wonderful tips and also followed through later to check if I had recieved her email. Some people just appear when you are ready and you need them. I started thinking about her life and what she had been through and what made her experience this moment the way she is experiencing it and how did she get here. What did this moment really mean? Why was it important for her to lend me a helping hand and go that extra mile? It got me thinking about the importance of continually seeking spiritual growth. So a very important day for me.
Obviously that made me look within, to take a look at myself and see how I got to where I am, and why was I feeling spiritually stunted. It took a lot of frustration but nothing is in vain and growth will always come as that is our natural path to take in order to reach a state of peace. Whatever that means subjectively.
Taking a look at and acknowledging the difficulties I had been through and how much it took out of me, and so much had changed, made me look at my present moment with a little more awareness and maybe some compassion, as the meditation had almost an immidiate effect of feeling slowed down just enough to look. It did not last for very long, but it was long enough for me to get the point. I think there is rarely time to look behind, give acknowledgement, maybe pat yourself, and say Thankyou to the God within for being our guardian and for helping us get by every day. Being grateful for the Love our spouses feel for us and our parents and friends and family feel for us. When a sense of gratitude is overtaken by our selfish needs and wants that is when the importance of living in a state of gratitude fades away and we can become chronically unhappy.
With that understanding my day came to a close - well almost. The next few hours always bring me immense happiness as I get to look back at my day and smile that there was Love in it.
This week ...
Leaving this apartment after 2 years of growing and ungrowing here and it almost seems like closing a chapter in my life. A very significant chapter. I know looking back is a waste of time, but I do believe it is healthy to be aware and not just jog past one's own life with blinders. I am leaving this crooked house (with its strange angles and corners) with happiness. I am leaving here with love in my life again. This house served its purpose when I needed it. It felt like an incubator. Then I outgrew it. I came to this place feeling hurt, alone, and angry. I was convinced that my belief in love and partnership was forever devestated and embraced a cynical attitude towards this. Little did I know that slowly old belief systems are challenged and shattered and you realize that you are in for a whole new experience when you open your heart to someone. A year later I found my partner who came into my life and brought nothing but kindness, happiness, and compassion. She is truly a gentle and kind hearted soul. I realized this week that when you find someone who makes you smile from within is when you know you have found love.
This week I realized how much I love my partner and how important it is to realize that love can only be unconditional or else it will not really last. To love for loving. Loving like that is very freeing.
And finally... this year....
What a year it was. We met in front of the Dalai Lama. This beautiful lady just happened to be able to meet with me that day. I did not have any expectations at all what so ever. My cynicism was running high at the time, generally speaking. I was on auto-pilot so to say. She was quite tall, very charming, beautiful hair, and the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen in my life. They were very happy eyes. The eyes that had seen, really seen. Seen things the way they are. You can always tell people who had truly seen the world the way it is and had experienced their own authenticity, limitations and all.
I was lucky to be with her at that moment. I felt lucky that she wanted to spend all this time with me that evening and kept wondering why. She sat and we talked and talked. We came from very different worlds and realities but there was what felt like a bridge waiting to be walked on between us. I did not realize how happy being with me was making her. I was still not convinced that she would be interested for any sustained period of time. This person had been through an amazing life experience and had risen like a phoenix to truly appreciate another's experience. I believe only when you are connected with your own experience in the most authentic way, that is when you can understand another. I was yet to meet someone like her. I soon became her lover and did what she asked me to do - "Just show up and be nice". Well that sort of became like a thing for me. I wanted to keep showing up and being nice. I had forgotten what nice meant - well what I appreciated was that even though she had been through hard times she treated the world nicely. She treated people with love, compassion and respect. It made me step out of myself - nothing but a physical being reacting to external events and projections with a limited undestanding of what truly "another person" means. Breaking the habit of seeing the world as an extention of myself became essential from that point on. After she came in my life I started to see the world a little bit more authentically as I felt deeply connected with my love for her.
So that was my year. I would say a good year indeed. A lucky year. This year is my Jesus year, as she says.
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