The past days have been spent in a lot of retrospect. Sometimes you body and mind just guide you in a certain inner direction and you just have to go with it. It feels like a new understanding is being opened up slowly. Growth seems to be happening but ever so slowly. Sometimes the core of your being just knows what it needs to process. By things I mean pent up emotions, past struggles and difficulties, some regrets, and of course the cumulative emotional effects of evolving relationships with your loved ones. Sometimes we just fail to slow down and keep going and going and going without being truly mindful of the resultant mental state. The only word that I can think of today is TIRED.
On a positive note - there are tons of good things happening no doubt. But with the good one needs to also take stock of the internal house. I have started to feel like I can breath again just because I am letting myself feel the feelings of the past few years. Now I can give myself permission to feel it as it feels safe to feel them. It has been a new life. A safer life. A new chapter. The past few years have been a huge struggle for me. I still struggle with feeling off center often, but at least now I have some orientation to life here. I find that it is taking more and more effort for me to fight the feeling of being displaced so I decided to just let it be for the time being. I truly believe that being away from my family combined with an emotionally draining job has altered my constitution and chemistry in a very significant way. Sometimes the changes have happened so quick that I can barely keep up with myself. At times I feel like I am an observer and at other times I feel like I am a participant. Its weird. Physically I just feel I want to rest and relax and keep working on untangling the knots within. I just cannot push myself to changing anything from within or from the outside. For once I truly have the urge to just let things be the way they are. Let the relationships be, let the challenges be, let the feelings be - It is like running a full marathon and resting after a very long run.
Well deserved and much needed.
On a positive note - there are tons of good things happening no doubt. But with the good one needs to also take stock of the internal house. I have started to feel like I can breath again just because I am letting myself feel the feelings of the past few years. Now I can give myself permission to feel it as it feels safe to feel them. It has been a new life. A safer life. A new chapter. The past few years have been a huge struggle for me. I still struggle with feeling off center often, but at least now I have some orientation to life here. I find that it is taking more and more effort for me to fight the feeling of being displaced so I decided to just let it be for the time being. I truly believe that being away from my family combined with an emotionally draining job has altered my constitution and chemistry in a very significant way. Sometimes the changes have happened so quick that I can barely keep up with myself. At times I feel like I am an observer and at other times I feel like I am a participant. Its weird. Physically I just feel I want to rest and relax and keep working on untangling the knots within. I just cannot push myself to changing anything from within or from the outside. For once I truly have the urge to just let things be the way they are. Let the relationships be, let the challenges be, let the feelings be - It is like running a full marathon and resting after a very long run.
Well deserved and much needed.
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