Some times I feel like I am having a serious crisis of inspiration. It has been excruciating to break out of the slump that has been going on and on and on - goodness...this feeling of being completely and thoroughly uninspired in general. Depression may be a clinical cause but I feel its deeper than that, and more existential actually. It is our very State of Being. I just cannot seem to find anything that sticks for me. I have no imagination and its frustrating. I have never had the feeling of emptiness the way it has been recently. Even spirituality to me does not stick hard enough to stay afloat at times. I truly feel like I belong no where. Neither here no there. Well but truly, I don't think it is about that either - this is an existential question - I cannot put my finger on the emptiness - what is it ? and why is it ? it has been making its way slowly. The emptiness within feels quite strange. Its not scary but just strange and uncomfortable. Doesn't something need to be there ?
I did see a psychiatrist thinking maybe I was depressed and could not understand the shifts in mood at times that presented themselves as hills and valleys and cause a lot of internal strife. He said "you seem bored - go open your own practice" I was bored ?! really ?! well that was the last thing I wanted hear. I would have been way happier with an illness or a freaking diagnosis of some sort. I wanted to confirm that something was truly wrong with me. I was not really sure what was wrong with me - can you believe that ?! how frustrating that even the freaking shrink doctor said he did not know what was wrong. I walked out frustrated and angry and sad that he did not give me a happy pill just as yet. Well walking out of his clinic I said to myself - well maybe the issue is that you are completely uninspired by life right now. That is just awful in my opinion. It is worse than clinical depression - if there is anything much worse. I don't really know what I want actually - what is my purpose and why am I here ? Nothing seems to anchor me enough. Not even myself. I see myself as an illusion at times. I know it sounds crazy but when I put my mind to it sometimes and think hard. Well - what is truly the whole point of things ? I look at people with such drive and such creativity and such a sense of purpose and their inspiration. Where are these people going to and what is to come of it ? is it just all about making each moment count ? I think that is what it is - oh well these days I truly just don't know the cause of my deep seated inner emptiness. When anxiety was tamed to some extent, I encountered emptiness and loneliness. A life condition ? possibly.
I feel I have no goal and no purpose. That in itself causes its own set of issues. Unfortunately life put me in a spot where I am under used and cannot reach my full potential where I work. I have to wait until I can explore further professional options. I think life puts you in these weird spots where you just have no choice but to sit with yourself and all its limitations. The trick is to find that one thing that will help you keep your head above water. I feel adrift in the high seas sometimes and am not really sure why its is just so hard to navigate back. I have no painted, not drawn, and nor have I written satisfactorily. I can go on writing this garbage blog for years on end and nothing will truly come of it. I feel like a hamster on a wheel some days. Just going around in really fast circles and sometimes slow ones - but its the same wheel and the same circle. For so long. There are points in time like this minute I feel a complete lack of inspiration. Nothing as in nothing can lift me up and for a few moments its just an acute sense of the empty space within when everything within just goes completely silent. It is hard to sit in that space because as humans we are conditioned to act on empty spaces - build or fill them up with something or another.
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